


"No one hates you as much as you do"

by AltheaLynn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2nd person POV, Angst, Character Study-ish, Dean Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I should probably stop tagging at some point, M/M, SPOILERS UP UNTIL SEASON 9, and self-loathing, but it's Dean so do you really expect anything different?, but mostly Dean beating himself up, but no comfort, crap ton of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-18 08:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1421086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltheaLynn/pseuds/AltheaLynn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've never been able to hold a grudge quite like the ones you hold against yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"No one hates you as much as you do"

**Author's Note:**

> Oh jeez, this is why I shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a keyboard when I'm sick.

You've never been able to hold a grudge quite like the ones you hold against yourself.

Cold Oak.

You should have been faster, you should have seen what Jake was going to do, you should have done better.

You should have saved him.

Even before that, you shouldn't have come back into his life like he didn't leave you four years previous. You shouldn't have talked him away from his interview and his girlfriend. You did save him from the burning building though, that's something.

Seriously though, looking for a beer? You know you could have done better.

Speaking of beer, you left him alone for all of a few minutes and what happened? He got kidnapped by possibly the most fucked up family you've ever seen with exception to maybe your own, though instead of hunting and eating people, you hunt what goes bump in the night. (You're not even going to think about the incest factor)

Then there's possession after possession, I mean, on the one hand you can't claim all the blame in this one, but you do anyway (Gadreel and all that entails though, that is completely on you). Hell, Bobby had the right idea with those charms and then the tattoos, but it's never permanent (fuck, you let Crowley into him. And you claim to be protecting him)

And the women.

Wow.

You're such a whore. Not to mention throwing it in his face that seemingly every girl he even tries to have a connection with dies at one point or another, yeah it took Jess and Sarah a few years, but that doesn't make it any less valid. And then there's Amy, your little Sammy's monster girlfriend that you couldn't let live, despite her saving your precious Sammy by killing her own mother and only started killing again to save her son; tell me, if it was Sam on the line how many people would you kill? You'd probably stop at some point, -let's be honest- from either being fatigued or caught, but not before hundreds fell at your hands, if not thousands.

The siren.

You nearly killed him, Hell you were moments away from doing it, your baby brother for a monster. That's not even the only time you've done it: Castiel and Benny to name two. But they both saved you -not that you'll accept that reason for your behavior.

Hell.

Yours.

His.

Doesn't matter, it all boils down to your fault anyway. He wouldn't have to have gone to Hell if you hadn't started the apocalypse (who cares who breaks the last seal? It wouldn't have mattered if the first one hadn't been broken). You wouldn't have been in Hell to break the first seal if you saved him in Cold Oak -or if you could live without him, but you can't let go of him anymore than you can let go of the -unnecessary- overwhelming guilt you carry.

"Watching out for you is my job. More than that, it's who I am."

And you've done such a good job with that, I mean, look at how many times you've almost lost him or did in fact lose him. The car accident, Cold Oak, the demon blood, Stull Cemetery, re-souling him. Do you really not notice how often you gamble with his life like it's loose change?

The trails.

They were supposed to be your redemption, you let the Hell gate open, you started the apocalypse, so it should be up to you to fix it. Close Hell and damn the cost, right? Wrong. You can't even sacrifice yourself correctly. You're one Hell of a martyr but Sammy will always be the Lamb.

The blood, God all the blood you've shed, all the blood you've lost, all the innocent blood on your hands that you'll never forgive or forget. The decade in Hell after you broke, all the interrogating, all the things you'll never forgive yourself for.

"So?"

You never knew that such a small word could break you. All this build up, all the lies and the hiding and the fights and the make ups and the rescues and the sacrifices.

"So?"

Was it all for nothing? Did none of it really matter? Was saving the bus from the cliff worth this? Your brother, your partner, your soulmate your _Sammy,_ throwing his life away like it wasn't worth the lint in your pockets.

"So?"

That word haunts your every dream and your every waking hour. It reminds you of the failure that you've become and you don't know where you went wrong but all you want is to make it better. Make it right. For Sammy.

"Nobody hates you more than you do. Believe me, I've tried."

While true, this statement doesn't hurt you, does it? No, of course not: it's your defence mechanism. You figure that if you can bottle up all that failure and self-loathing and direct it inward, so nothing anyone else says or does matters because you'll always be your number one hate-groupie.

So what will the great Dean Winchester do now to add to your pathetic life wrought with guilt and loathing?

Oh, yes, The Mark of Cain, well, tell me how that works out for you and how guilty you'll feel when Sammy pulls you back at the last second before you take the light from his eyes.


End file.
